Minutes after hearing the news that a referral was imminent, I began the frantic paperwork to acquire the necessary paperwork for the home study and schedule our social worker. We had been tabling the social worker for long enough and now the time was here and we needed to act. We had just...enough...time. Time for the doctor's appointments, home study, criminal background, writing it all up and then the screeching sounds of metal on the tracks rang out as panic set in to the warm heart of my husband.
Like a wall street trader reacting to late day plummets in the market, Todd immediately constricted from the wonderful news and ordered all energy towards the adoption halted. Stunned, I sat helpless on the sofa because, to me, this boy was already my child; already part of our family. I was and am already fighting for him. Not because I simply feel I want another child in my life but because I feel his very life, is in peril and that if not for the Grace that God has shown me to insist upon this, he may not survive the harsh reality he is now enduring. He may survive physically, but will he reach his potential? Will he go to school? Will he show the world what he is capable of? What gifts does he possess that remain locked away?
We adopted before. After the heartbreaking loss of our 6 week old son. My arms ached and my heart yearned for my lost baby. We adopted our now 5 year old son at birth to heal us. To heal me. It was a gift from God to our broken family.
This adoption is different. This is God asking us to be humble and to have faith in Him. God has asked us to add to our family by giving to another because we our whole and we have so much to give. This time this is our gift to give humbly. Our family may think it's crazy to add another child when perhaps our finances may looked stretched. But we are asked to do it anyways. We may be frightened about the unknown but we are asked to show faith in spite of our fears.
But each week as I sit in Mass and listen it's as if God has walked in to church to deliver the homily to me personally in my journey. Last week we read Matthew 14:16-12
But Jesus said to them, “They do not need to go away; you give the something to eat!” They said to Him, “We have here only five loaves and two fish.” And He said, “Bring them here to Me.” Ordering the people to sit down on the grass, He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up toward heaven, He blessed the food, and breaking the loaves He gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds, and they all ate and were satisfied. They picked up what was left over of the broken pieces, twelve full baskets. There were about five thousand men who ate, besides women and children.
Matthew 14:16-12
This week we continued exploring the miracles of Jesus with Jesus and Peter walking on water. Admittedly, I never knew Peter walked on water.....yep, I thought that was just a miracle performed by Jesus alone. Proof, that it is never too late to learn and grow deeper in one's own faith. Anyway, in Matthew 14:25-31 we see the struggles Todd and I have been engulfed in perfectly depicted, as if written last month to describe our faith crisis over the adoption.
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
Matthew 14:25-31
When we first came upon the idea of the adoption, we were estactic and we were fully confident that we could tackle any obstacle in the way during the journey. Then as we got onto the water, we lost faith and began to sink. How were we going to handle the demands of another child? What about the financial burdens? What if he comes with significant medical issues? All along with these questions, we never looked up to grab God's hand in faith. We never allowed him to pull us back in the boat.
I came home from church today with renewed purpose and layed out my new found revelations for Todd who seemed, eh, warmed by my enthusiasm. Todd takes time. But once he's in, he's all in.
I know in my heart that God has a path for us because he knows that we will take these risks with him. We will answer his call because we have been graced by so many of his blessings. I have faith and hope beyond my worries.
